Peace

The day that I dreaded for the past six years has come and gone and I survived it.



My son, Keating, passed away on May 22, 2004. It was a beautiful day, I never dreamed that it would end so sadly.



Six years later, I miss him more than ever. I hurts so bad sometimes I feel like I can't breath. When you lose a child the way I did, it's a very lonely experience. I never got to know him in life. I can't go to his grave and say "Remember when he did this?" or "how much he like that". I just have to make it up. Because no one else got to know him either, they all forget that he existed. They want you to get over it and move on. But you don't. You learn how to live with the pain, smile through the tears, and look happy when your heart is breaking. Others can talk about their loved one who have passed but they don't want to hear about your child that died just before birth for no reason. Apparently, a person's value is measured by how many breaths they take outside the womb. I, of course, completely disagree with that. My son has value and is greatly loved. I will never forget or be ashamed of how I deal with his death.



Too often others try to tell you how you should handle the lose of a loved one. They want you to hurry up and get better, back to normal. The problem is that you will never be normal again. Your life has changed. A part of you has died. There is no right way or wrong way to morn, we all do it differently and that's OK. Some never talk about, others that's all they can talk about, and then there are those that fall in between. You need to do what works for you.



For me, celebrating my son helps me to cope. So we celebrated his birthday. We had a birthday party at his grave and we had cake and ice cream. We took the boys to see "Iron Man 2" and let them pick out a toy. For a sad day, we had a good time as a family.



Of course, I would rather have Keating here in my arms to celebrate his birthday but in the end I'm just glad that he is in my life. It brings me Peace.



Shel

Happy 6th Birthday, Keating!

We love you and miss you.

Mommy, Daddy, Harrison, MacGregor, and Malcolm.

The Father's Day Card.

My Husband, Keith, and I went to Wal-Mart to get a few things for my son, Keating, 6th birthday. Keating has passed away but we always have a birthday party for him with cake, ice cream, and presents. I always get him a card, not only for his birthday but also for every Holiday.

As you can imagine our mood is solemn. We're standing there trying to figure out what kind of card Keating would like or one that reminds us of him. Then we see a Superman card. Superman is an image that reminds us of him. I pick it up and it reads:

"Even Superman needs a Hero..."

You open it up...

"...And your mine. Happy Father's Day"

It's a very sweet card. One that I would have gotten for Keith for Father's Day. But there is a problem with the card. You see, the card also speaks and when we opened it, it said:

"Your A Butthole!"

At first we thought we heard it wrong. So Keith closed it and reopened it.

"Your A Butthole!" It said again.

We closed it and reopened it again.

"Your A Butthole!"

We started laughing. I couldn't believe that it said that. I was crying I was laughing so hard. I could just imagine a father opening it up on Father's Day and the card saying:

"Your A Butthole!"

So tender!

It was just the thing I needed. Laughter is the best medicine.

Shel

Revise

Well, I got some feedback on my first chapter, seems it's boring:)

Good to know!

I think I knew that, I just need confirmation.

Sometimes you get something stuck in your head and you can't get rid of it until you put it out there.

Personally, I liked the scene but nothing exciting happened. It was just a scene between a father and daughter. But it's not about what I like, it's about what will keep the reader coming back and wanting to read more. So revise!

The good news is that I already had a new way to start thought out. I was just working on righting it down, you know, pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. So I'm working on it and will post the new version next week hopefully. It's a hard weekend for us so I'm not sure that I will be able to get to writing anything.

I will try and post both version and you can decide which you like better.

Have a great weekend.

Shel

My latest work of art.

This is the necklace I just finished.

It's a Viking Stitch with pounded silver rings.

I've sold one so far.

They are very nice for hanging pendents off of.

Shel

ABC's

I am a mother of a 4 year old, Malcolm. Lately I have been trying to teach him his ABC's. He hasn't shown much interest in them before but now they look like fun.

I got an Elmo DVD that teaches the ABC's that he enjoys. I also have puzzles and a Leapfrog thingy. We look at books and I sign the alphabet to him. He really seems to be enjoying it. When we practice, it's just time for us. I try to enjoy it because I know it wont last long.

Well, earlier I hear him trying to sing the song on his own. He was so cute and I couldn't help but laugh. This is what he sang:

ABCD Elmo Pee ABCD Elmo Pee!

I tried to tell him that it's not Elmo Pee it's LMNOP, but he would hear none of it. I even showed him in the book and on the puzzle, but I am completely wrong. It's Elmo Pee, mom!

Got to love it:)
Shel

Taking a step.

Deep breath.

Today, I posted part of the first chapter of my book on two different sites. The first one was on the Brent Weeks site and then on the Writer's Digest Community. I love both these sites although I wish the Brent Weeks site was more active. Right now he is my favorite author. He is the GodKing:)

I was so scared. I'm afraid that they will say "OMG, You SUCK! Please don't write anymore!" I know that this is a completely irrational fear but it is a fear. I don't think I'm alone with this fear. My only source of comfort is that this fear means I really love what I'm doing. If you don't have that fear then you more than likely don't care deeply for what it is that you are pursuing.

I must go and force my kids to do something I would love to have more time to do: Read:)

I know what your thinking, "I'm an evil mother!" But someones got to be the bad guy.

Later,
Shel

I have a follower!

"Scream!"
I have a follower! I never thought I would have one. I'm so excited. Her blog was the first one I decided to follow. She sounds a lot like me, but younger (most likely). I enjoy her writing, so check her out. So welcome to my little world.

shel

Confession #1

My first confession is that I wear pants with stretchy waist bands. I usually wear ones that are already too big for me. This makes me feel like I'm thinner. I'm just fooling myself. But in reality the stretchy waist pants are a step up from the sweats that I use to wear. Let's face it, I didn't see much reason for getting dress since I just stayed home all day.

Well, that is changing. I'm going to getting up and getting dressed everyday like a normal person. I would love to exercise the first thing in the morning but that seems a little difficult with Keith sleeping on the couch. He doesn't have to sleep there. I'm not made at him or anything he just wants to. I would like to be up exercising by 6 or 6:30 at the latest.

In addition to those wonderful plans, I would like to devote 4 hrs a day to jewelry and 2 to writing.

Monday's will be earn days. Tuesday - Sat work days.

Well, that's the plan.

Tomorrow I'm going to start my 90 challenge all over again. I need to come up with a plan to exercise when Keith is on my couch.

Have a great day,
Shel

H.O.R.S.E.

Writer's Digest Weekly Writing Prompt 5/11.
Prompt: Two brothers compete for the same woman.

H.O.R.S.E.

"Horse!"

"What?" Peter threw his twin brother a bewildered look.

"Oh, I saw you staring at the pink tank-top and white short shorts." His tone was taunting, daring Peter to act. Peter and Dave were identical twins but couldn't be more different. Dave was bold and assertive. He is always ready to try new things, a real risk taker, he was never afraid to go up and talk to a pretty girl. Peter was the exact opposite. He hated taking risks and would never go up and talk to a pretty girl. He only tried new things if Dave did them first. That's how he got the nickname "Re-Pete".

"So!" Peter snorted back. He wasn't in the mood for Dave's teasing.

"I saw her too. I propose a game of H.O.R.S.E. to settle this. Whoever wins gets the girl." He gave Peter a smile that said 'You afraid I'll win?'

"Oh, really?" Peter shot him a challenging look. Dave was better than Peter at a lot of things but basketball was one activity where they were equals. "It's unlike you to give me a chance at a pretty girl!"

"I'm in a giving mood." Dave rolled the ball between his hands and then twirled it on one finger. Showing off his skill with the ball.

"My lucky day." Peter said as he knocked the ball from Dave's hand.

"Only if you get lucky!" They chuckled at the double meaning behind his words. Peter knew that he maybe lucky enough to win the girl but he wasn't that lucky.

Peter walked confidently to the foul line of the basketball court. He turned to Dave, "You go first" and he tossed him the ball.

"Cocky!" Dave said with a smile.

Dave started with an easy lay-up shot with his non-dominate hand. Peter thought he was going easy on him. He gave Dave a curious glance, wondering what he was up to starting off so easy. Dave noticed and replied "Just warming up." That was the end of the easy stuff.

With each turn, the brothers tried to out do one another. Shooting half-court, full-court, behind the backboard, lying down, eyes closed and backwards, anything to win.

Soon the game was tied, H.O.R.S. to H.O.R.S. "The next one to miss loses the game and the girl."

Dave taunted. Peter didn't need the reminder.

Peter lay on his back at the top of the key, facing the opposite hoop. His arms over his head, he tossed the ball as hard as he could. Swoosh! "Your turn." He said with a ting of shock and anxiety in his voice.

Dave assumed the position and took aim. SWOOSH! Peter couldn't believe Dave made it. He grabbed the ball and threw it at Dave.

Dave caught the ball with a huff. He took one last peek at the girl in pink. "This could be it, baby brother."

"Baby brother?" Peter gave a sarcastic laugh. "By 4 minutes."

"It doesn't matter, you're always second." Dave smiled, enjoying how Peter squirmed as each word bit into his pride. Dave did a dance with the ball, weaving it in and out of his legs and finished with backwards lay-up.

Peter watched with a look of confusion on his face. Why would Dave do such an easy shot, NOW? Brushing it off, with a thankful nod, Peter began his dance. As he made his lay-up, he had no fear that he wouldn't make it. He landed his shot with a proud 'take that' smile. The ball ricocheted off the rim and bounced off the court.

"E!" Dave said and threw his arms up in victory. Peter just stared at him with an annoyed and shocked expression on his face. "Seee, ya loser." Dave said as he turned and started to walk toward the pink tank-top.

Peter watched Dave as he schmoozed the pink tank-top, observing his practiced player mannerisms. The girl laughed and tossed her hair flirtatiously at Dave's pathetic jokes.

Peter noticed a silver Audi drive in and park. A well dressed man in an expensive suit go out and started walking toward the newly formed couple. Even from a distance, the man gave off an aura of money and power. If the man wasn't with the mob, Peter would be surprise. As he approached his carefree expression turned ominous. Dave quickly jumped to his feet and coward to the man. Dave nearly fell over himself apologizing.

As Dave retreated, Peter smiled to himself, "It is my lucky day after all."

Nightmare

Around 5 o'clock this morning I woke up with a start. I had the sudden realization that I was, indeed, fat. I couldn't get this revelation out of my mind. I wanted to get up and exercise, hoping that it would quench my anxieties, but Keith was sleeping in the living room where my bike was, so I couldn't. I thought I could walk on the treadmill but it still being early I thought that too would wake up Keith. I went as far as getting my workout clothes and placing them by my bed. I decided to give it an hour and then I could justify been up and exercising. Needless to say, I feel asleep and didn't get back up to exercise. The story of my adult life.

I slept poorly last night. I woke up tired. I had big hopes and dreams for the day. As of yet, none have come true. Well, unless you count going to the grocery store, the library, and doing laundry, but those aren't the things of dreams, are they? No, just day to day dribbles. The 'have to's' of life. I still dream of exercising today but I feel like I have no energy, I'm just tired and sitting around on the computer in much easier. But that's why I'm fat and wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety over my current state of roundness.

I'm also feeling depressed. This is the week my son died 6 years ago. Everything is happening on the same day as it did when he died. I'm trying not to think about it. I drove passed his grave today. I just couldn't go in. I feel that I'm on the edge of a large bottomless pit and I'm wobbling, all it will take is one thing to knock me off balance and I will plunge to the cavern never to return. At times I feel as though I'm barley holding it all together.

Saturday will be Keating's 6th birthday. I can't believe 6 years have gone by without him. I often sit and wonder what he would be like, what things would he like and be into. Today, I ordered him a birthday cake, it's Scooby Doo. Malcolm likes Scooby so I thought maybe Keating would too.

Someone wake me when May and June are over.

Shel

Robin Hood!

I just got back from seeing the new "Robin Hood" movie, I have to say that I"LOVED" it. It is definitely a prequel to the Robin Hood movie Scott wanted to make.

When I first heard that Russel Crow was going to be playing the part of Robin Hood, I scoffed at the idea. He's Old, how can he play Robin Hood. After seeing it, I think he is a wonderful Robin Hood. He was perfect for the story line Scott choice to go with. This isn't the sweeping romance type of movie, although I would have liked that too. It's more of an action driven movie, which I really like. Plus this movie had subtle humor, which I love.

I read the review on "Rotten Tomatoes", and I have to say "What the Hell are they talking about?" They reviewed it based on their limited knowledge of Robin Hood and on other Robin Hood movies. They didn't take this as a prequel. Apparently, they didn't read the end what was posted big on the screen in front of them, "The adventure begins anew." This was a different take on Robin Hood and it shows how he got where he was, how he became a legend. We started at the beginning of the story not in the middle. I defend my stance, that this was a great movie. A must see.

I definitely think this is a movie worth spending your money on. I know if I had the time, I would go and see it again in the theatre.

It gets *****, 5 stars from me.

Can't wait for the next one.

Shel

Day 3

Day 3 was a bad day. I was just so sick. My stomach hurt and my head felt like I had laid down in the middle of the street and let an 18 wheeler drive over it and then backup over it again and again. It hurt to hold my head up straight. I just sat around and felt miserable all day.

Today, I'm feeling a little better but still not right.

Keith slept on the couch last night so I could try and get some sleep, but it's going on to 10:30 and he's still there. I can't exercise with him there and he wont get up and move. Yes, I've asked. I know what your thinking, "Just go in and start and he will move." I just can't do that to him. He works so hard for us and today he's going to be working around the house while I go out, I want him to get a good night sleep, even if that means letting him sleep on the couch until noon.

Today, I am going to see "Robin Hood". I have always been a big Robin Hood fan and I couldn't wait for this movie. I have to admit, I was disappointed that Russel Crow was playing Robin Hood but once I saw the trailers I got over that. I looks good. It hasn't gotten great reviews but I don't care. It's Robin Hood! Enough said for me. I will write my review of the movie after I see it but as you can tell, I'm a little bias to begin with.

Shel

Day 2

Day 2 has gone pretty well. I lifted weights and rode my bike. I have done pretty well on my eating too. So, Yeah for me!

I had a house full of neighborhood kids today. I'm pulling my hair out. I swear they come blowing in like a tornado and blow out just as fast leaving a trail of wreckage in their wake. My yard is a mess because of them. I asked my kids to help clean it up and they just complain. UGH!!!

I talked to my sister in NY, we are both Weebles. We're starting a Weebles support group. Right now it's just us, but, hey that's OK. She should be coming here and posting soon too. I'll let her introduce herself.

Well, that was today. No biggy, just me, a piggy! (sorry, I had to rhyme).

Tomorrow's another day, another path, watch your step.

Shel

Day 1

Today I started my 90 day challenge.

What is my 90 day challenge, you ask? Well, I want to exercise for 90 days and see how much weight I can loss.

The exercises I will do are: Lift weights, bike for 30 min, and do sit-ups.

Today, I have exercised for almost two hours straight.

I also want to eat a raw food diet but I have to wait until our next pay check to really start that. I am eating as raw as possible right now. I just don't have the money to buy a lot of food right now.

Well, that is today so far.

Shel

A picture is worth 1,000 words.

This is a photo by Tricia Bateman in a book by Phillip Sexton called "A picture is worth 1,000 words: image-driven story prompts and exercises for writers."

I picked up this book today and decided that I would write a short story for every prompt and picture in the book. That would be 112 short stories.

This is an excerpt from Sexton's book describing what the writer should do.

Interpretations

(Sexton, P. & Bateman, T., 2007. "A Picture is worth 1,000 Words: image-driven story prompts and exercises for writers." Pg. 12-13. Writer's Digest Books, Ohio.)

Exercise: Some night see the photo (above) as having a limited number of interpretations. Challenge yourself to think of two entirely different stories, using the image as you setting.

So that is what I'm going to do. Check back at the end of the month for my stories related to this picture prompt.

Shel

Bad day!

I know what I said last night. Today I was starting on a new road. Well, I lost my footing and took the wrong road. My husband is really sick and I've been taking care of him. I haven't been able to exercise yet and my eating has been totally off. But there is always tomorrow. I'm not giving up on today because that will get me nowhere. I still hope to exercise today. I will let you know if I get around to it.

Shel

How fat am I?

The answer to that, is...wait for it...wait for it...FAT!!! Tonight I got a brilliant idea to see how big my waist was. My waist is a shocking...42 inches! That is the size of a man's waist. In addition to that wonderful tidbit of information, the last time I weighed myself, which was last Wed, I weighed 190 pounds!! Now I'm depressed. I really feel lost in this weight loss battle. I know, diet and exercise, exercise and diet, but what if that's not enough? What if I devote all this time to it and get nothing from it?


OK, one foot in front of the other. Just choose your road, right!

If I take a step back and look at my life and how I run my day to day, what do I see?

First, I sit around and watch TV a lot. I don't like to admit it but I know that TV runs my life. So how do I change it? Easy answer, stop watching TV. But that's not realistic. I have shows that I have recorded on my DVR and I like to watch while I eat breakfast. What I need to do is not watch them until I get my exercise done. They aren't going anywhere so they can wait.

Here's the plan for the next week. I will not watch my TV shows until I exercise. My exercise will be:

30 min on my bike
My weight lifting DVD
My sit-ups

Extra: 30 min walk on treadmill


My meal plan is to stay raw until dinner. I would like dinner to be as raw as possible. I really like this raw food diet stuff. I also want to cut back on my mocha's. Right now I'm having two a day. I will cut back to 1 and then see if I can cut it out all together.

This is my plan starting tomorrow. I will check in next Thursday and will see if I lost an inch and maybe a pound or two:)

Well, we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Remember: You make your future with every step you take and every step you take is a choice you made. So watch your step.

Shel

I never got to say, "I Love You!"

Recently, I have been participating in Writer's Digest weekly writing prompts on their website. The stories have to be 750 words or fewer and relate to the given prompt. This is my first short story.

Writing prompt: Write a letter to someone who died and say the things you never got to say.

I Never Got To Say "I Love You!"

It was suppose to be the day I said hello not goodbye.

I had waited nine months for this day. I had everything ready for you. Your room was ready and waiting. I had your crib set up and all your clothes were washed and put away. Some of the clothes where your older brothers but I also got you new ones. Just because you were my third son didn't mean you didn't deserve new clothes. I also washed and put away all the baby toys I had too. I was ready.

The day before, I went to Fred Meyers and bought you this stuffed dog I had been eyeing since I found out I was pregnant with you. The dog was called "Tutti Fruiti", silly name but I thought you would like it. It was red with blue and green ears that crinkled when you played with them. His feet had mirrors on them so you could look at yourself and they rattled when you shook them. I could just imagine you playing with it and I couldn't wait for you to have it.

In the afternoon, I went for my last doctors appointment before my scheduled c-section. At 3:30 pm I heard your heartbeat. You sounded so strong and healthy. It never occurred to me that

this would be the last time I would hear it.

I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am the next morning. I hadn't felt you move yet that morning, but I wasn't worried. I was 40 wks, there wasn't a lot of room left for you. I just wasn't prepare for what came next. The nurse put me in a room and prepared the heart monitor. This was typical. She moved the monitor around my belly, "Hm, I think there must be something wrong with the monitor, I'll be right back." Panic! Another nurse came into the room and tried. Nothing. Then the doctor was called. Still, nothing. Then came those words that still haunt me today, "I'm Sorry. Your son has passed away."

I think I went into shock. I hadn't even met you yet, how could you be gone? Did God think I didn't want you? Was I not worthy to be your mother? I just sat there, trying to figure out how to fix this. I couldn't.

Later that day, you were born. The silence of your birth was deafening. You were so perfect and beautiful. You were all pink and chubby. You looked like any other new born baby.

While I was recovering, I kept thinking I heard a baby crying. I thought, "See, he's not dead. He's crying." But when I opened my eyes it was you heartbroken father, holding you tightly to his chest with tears streaming down his face.

The rest is just a blur to me. I was prepared to put you in a crib not a casket. I felt like Humpty Dumpty. All the Kings men and all the Kings horses would never be able to put me back together again. My world was shattered.

The fact that your autopsy showed that you were perfectly healthy, there was nothing wrong with you or me, has made it hard for me to understand you death. It was like turning off a light. You just died.

Looking back, I wish I wasn't in so much shock that I couldn't enjoy those last few minutes with you. You were alive inside of me for 40 wks and I feel like I throw them away. I was too busy to enjoy them. I complained too mush about being swollen and fat. I would gladly weigh 500lbs. to have you back.

You are my son and I love you more than words can say. There just aren't enough words in any language to express how much I love you.

You are only a heartbeat away and my arms ache to hold you again. I wish with all my heart that I got the chance to hold you and tell you how much I loved you before you died. But I never got that chance, You are loved with every breath I take. Death doesn't stop love, it just teaches you to love in a different way. I know that someday I will hold you and be able to look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you.

For now, I will see you in my dreams.

Loves Eternal,

Mom

A New Dream!

OK, besides my dream of doing Theatre and singing when I grow up, my new dream is to be a writer.

I never thought I was very good at it but lately I don't care if I'm good or not. I have these stories in my head that haunt me. The characters and story lines keep me up at night. So I've decided to write them down. I've gotten a few books on writing and a subscription to Writer's Digest, which I love. I go to Writer's Digest website daily, if not several times a day. I've entered two of their weekly writing prompts and I have found them to be a lot of fun. I can't wait for next weeks prompt. They really help pull out your creativity. The prompt may be on something that I have no interest in writing on but I think that's when you really should do them. That's when your imagination get stretched. I will post my two entries here and if you have any helpful comments feel free to help me.

I don't know if I will ever get a novel published but why not dream.

I'm going to follow the wise words of Yoda "There's no try, only do!"

So I'm going to do. I'm going to write a novel. But the first step is to work on my writing. I really believe that practice make perfect, so I will keep at it.

This is the first step on my writing road.

Shelleigh

Why I'm a Weeble!

I bet you think I'm a weeble because I'm short and round. If that's the case, then yes, your write. But that's not all.

I like to think of myself as a person who may get knocked down but who always gets back up.

Life has been a trip sometimes. Things have happened to me that could have kept me down. But I've picked myself up, dusted myself off, and started all over again.

In a few months, I will turn 40 years old. I'm scared! In my youth, I had all these dreams of what I wanted to do with my life. The easy part was the dreaming, the hard part was the doing. I never quite made all of my dreams come true. On the other hand some have come true.

An example of a dream that came true is wonderful family. I have a great marriage with and incredible husband and we have 4 wonderful little Jedi boys in training. We own a house and I get to stay home with my boys. I make Sterling Silver Jewelry. Which I want to make into a business but I've realized that I'm not very good at the business part. Just something to work harder on. I have an attention problem. Can't focus very well. I'm working on a website right now, so if your interested check out shelleigh-mairijewelry.com. It's a work in progress. I'm learning to take photo's of my jewelry. The pictures on the site are horrible. I'll figure it out. Soon I hope.

At this moment, I've been knocked down by my weight. "Hello, my name is Shelleigh and I'm fat!" I've spent the past 10 years letting my weight stop me from fallowing my dream. Well, no more. It's time to over come my weight. You see, I love to do Theatre and to sing, but because of my weight I have stopped doing those things. I hate to go out in public. I'm completely embarrassed. I find any excuse to stay home, locked away. I've let my weight make me a non-Weeble and I have allowed myself to get knocked down by my weight and not get back up. So now it's time to find the Weeble inside of me and bounce back up. "Weeble's wobble but we don't fall down!" This is my motto. You can't keep a Weeble down.

I'm using this blog as my journal for my weight loss adventure. I'm not sure where I will end up but I'm ready to take the first steps.

"When you choose the very first step of the road you also choose the last, so if you don't like the end of the road, you know you better back up, you know you better back FAST!" Well, I don't like the end of this road so I'm backing up and choosing another road. I keep this saying in my head to remind me that every chose I make has a consequence. Will I be happy with where I end up once I make that choice? I guess we will see.

Come and join me on my journey. All Weebles fallow me.

Shelleigh