Writing prompt: Write a letter to someone who died and say the things you never got to say.
I Never Got To Say "I Love You!"
It was suppose to be the day I said hello not goodbye.
I had waited nine months for this day. I had everything ready for you. Your room was ready and waiting. I had your crib set up and all your clothes were washed and put away. Some of the clothes where your older brothers but I also got you new ones. Just because you were my third son didn't mean you didn't deserve new clothes. I also washed and put away all the baby toys I had too. I was ready.
The day before, I went to Fred Meyers and bought you this stuffed dog I had been eyeing since I found out I was pregnant with you. The dog was called "Tutti Fruiti", silly name but I thought you would like it. It was red with blue and green ears that crinkled when you played with them. His feet had mirrors on them so you could look at yourself and they rattled when you shook them. I could just imagine you playing with it and I couldn't wait for you to have it.
In the afternoon, I went for my last doctors appointment before my scheduled c-section. At 3:30 pm I heard your heartbeat. You sounded so strong and healthy. It never occurred to me that
this would be the last time I would hear it.
I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am the next morning. I hadn't felt you move yet that morning, but I wasn't worried. I was 40 wks, there wasn't a lot of room left for you. I just wasn't prepare for what came next. The nurse put me in a room and prepared the heart monitor. This was typical. She moved the monitor around my belly, "Hm, I think there must be something wrong with the monitor, I'll be right back." Panic! Another nurse came into the room and tried. Nothing. Then the doctor was called. Still, nothing. Then came those words that still haunt me today, "I'm Sorry. Your son has passed away."
I think I went into shock. I hadn't even met you yet, how could you be gone? Did God think I didn't want you? Was I not worthy to be your mother? I just sat there, trying to figure out how to fix this. I couldn't.
Later that day, you were born. The silence of your birth was deafening. You were so perfect and beautiful. You were all pink and chubby. You looked like any other new born baby.
While I was recovering, I kept thinking I heard a baby crying. I thought, "See, he's not dead. He's crying." But when I opened my eyes it was you heartbroken father, holding you tightly to his chest with tears streaming down his face.
The rest is just a blur to me. I was prepared to put you in a crib not a casket. I felt like Humpty Dumpty. All the Kings men and all the Kings horses would never be able to put me back together again. My world was shattered.
The fact that your autopsy showed that you were perfectly healthy, there was nothing wrong with you or me, has made it hard for me to understand you death. It was like turning off a light. You just died.
Looking back, I wish I wasn't in so much shock that I couldn't enjoy those last few minutes with you. You were alive inside of me for 40 wks and I feel like I throw them away. I was too busy to enjoy them. I complained too mush about being swollen and fat. I would gladly weigh 500lbs. to have you back.
You are my son and I love you more than words can say. There just aren't enough words in any language to express how much I love you.
You are only a heartbeat away and my arms ache to hold you again. I wish with all my heart that I got the chance to hold you and tell you how much I loved you before you died. But I never got that chance, You are loved with every breath I take. Death doesn't stop love, it just teaches you to love in a different way. I know that someday I will hold you and be able to look into your eyes and tell you how much I love you.
For now, I will see you in my dreams.
Loves Eternal,
Mom
For some reason, I can't put spaces between paragraphs. Sorry if it's hard to read.
ReplyDeleteShel