Nightmare

Around 5 o'clock this morning I woke up with a start. I had the sudden realization that I was, indeed, fat. I couldn't get this revelation out of my mind. I wanted to get up and exercise, hoping that it would quench my anxieties, but Keith was sleeping in the living room where my bike was, so I couldn't. I thought I could walk on the treadmill but it still being early I thought that too would wake up Keith. I went as far as getting my workout clothes and placing them by my bed. I decided to give it an hour and then I could justify been up and exercising. Needless to say, I feel asleep and didn't get back up to exercise. The story of my adult life.

I slept poorly last night. I woke up tired. I had big hopes and dreams for the day. As of yet, none have come true. Well, unless you count going to the grocery store, the library, and doing laundry, but those aren't the things of dreams, are they? No, just day to day dribbles. The 'have to's' of life. I still dream of exercising today but I feel like I have no energy, I'm just tired and sitting around on the computer in much easier. But that's why I'm fat and wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety over my current state of roundness.

I'm also feeling depressed. This is the week my son died 6 years ago. Everything is happening on the same day as it did when he died. I'm trying not to think about it. I drove passed his grave today. I just couldn't go in. I feel that I'm on the edge of a large bottomless pit and I'm wobbling, all it will take is one thing to knock me off balance and I will plunge to the cavern never to return. At times I feel as though I'm barley holding it all together.

Saturday will be Keating's 6th birthday. I can't believe 6 years have gone by without him. I often sit and wonder what he would be like, what things would he like and be into. Today, I ordered him a birthday cake, it's Scooby Doo. Malcolm likes Scooby so I thought maybe Keating would too.

Someone wake me when May and June are over.

Shel