Peace

The day that I dreaded for the past six years has come and gone and I survived it.



My son, Keating, passed away on May 22, 2004. It was a beautiful day, I never dreamed that it would end so sadly.



Six years later, I miss him more than ever. I hurts so bad sometimes I feel like I can't breath. When you lose a child the way I did, it's a very lonely experience. I never got to know him in life. I can't go to his grave and say "Remember when he did this?" or "how much he like that". I just have to make it up. Because no one else got to know him either, they all forget that he existed. They want you to get over it and move on. But you don't. You learn how to live with the pain, smile through the tears, and look happy when your heart is breaking. Others can talk about their loved one who have passed but they don't want to hear about your child that died just before birth for no reason. Apparently, a person's value is measured by how many breaths they take outside the womb. I, of course, completely disagree with that. My son has value and is greatly loved. I will never forget or be ashamed of how I deal with his death.



Too often others try to tell you how you should handle the lose of a loved one. They want you to hurry up and get better, back to normal. The problem is that you will never be normal again. Your life has changed. A part of you has died. There is no right way or wrong way to morn, we all do it differently and that's OK. Some never talk about, others that's all they can talk about, and then there are those that fall in between. You need to do what works for you.



For me, celebrating my son helps me to cope. So we celebrated his birthday. We had a birthday party at his grave and we had cake and ice cream. We took the boys to see "Iron Man 2" and let them pick out a toy. For a sad day, we had a good time as a family.



Of course, I would rather have Keating here in my arms to celebrate his birthday but in the end I'm just glad that he is in my life. It brings me Peace.



Shel